Blue Sand

Guitar Help

2009-07-06T20:29:13Z

Hiya Guitar Yodas,

I am learning guitar. If you play guitar or know music theory, and you would like to provide me with some yummy tutelage, please read this post. Otherwise, you'll probably find it boooooooring.

Last night I spent a couple hours drilling bar chord shapes. Just learning and playing songs was not helping me get them, so I thought maybe doing a bit of a slog would help me get the fingering.

I have some observations and questions for any guitar player willing to listen.

Note: As always, I'm going to say some things that will sound dumb or obvious to someone who really understand guitar. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME. Very much.

1. Owwwch! (16 hours later my wrist is still Mr. Hurty!)

2. I think, like jennwesxc, I'm going for the three-finger A shape. If I bar and put my thumb in the right place and press wicked hard, it seems slightly less ridonkulous and horrible than the one-finger method. Yes, megrith and cblanchard79, your one-finger method is totally sexy.

3. When fingering a bar chord, does the pad of your index finger hit the bottom string, or does that hang off the bottom? I'm having a lot of trouble pressing all the strings hard enough to get a clear sound, and I feel like lining the creases of my finger up with the strings is part of the problem. Where does your finger tend to rest? And do you place it different with five-finger bar vs. a six-finger bar, or do you just always slap the same place for convenience?

4. So, tell me if I'm wrong here. By pressing the frets, I get:

Second-to-Bottom String:
(open = A)
A#, B, C, C#, D, D#, E, F, F#, G, G#, A

Which means, for example, that if I'm playing the "Am shape" with a bar on the fourth fret, I'm playing a C#m chord?

Bottom String:
(open = E)
F, F#, G, G#, A, A#, B, C, C#, D, D#, E

Which means, for example, that if I'm playing the "E shape" with a bar on the sixth fret, I'm playing the A# chord?

5. The only real drawback to learning all these bar chords and using those shapes to make all the chords I need to play is that it's kinda boring. I've always kinda enjoyed all the funky shapes I get to make with non-bar chords. :-)

6. I'm kind of agreeing with jennwesxc. Does anyone learn guitar just by learning A, Am, E, and Em, and then going straight to bar chords for everything else? That would be an interesting way of studying guitar. I'm actually kind of confused as to why the other shapes "work"... but I'm dimly remembering something megrith said about how chords are made that probably explains that.

7. I guess I don't quite understand why holding the "A shape" with a bar on the fourth fret makes a D chord while AT THE SAME TIME having a capo on the fourth fret and just making the standard open D shape is ALSO a D chord. Uhhh...

8. I'm interested in hearing about how you transfer finger pressure and weight when moving, for instance, from Bm to F#. You leave the bar alone, right, but which fingers lift and land first? My hand seems to stick to the board (the pressure I'm applying makes my hand sorta clench, like it can't release more than one finger at a time, so I'm kind of pushing off with one finger but can't seem to lift the other finger(s) until the first one lands)

9. I just realized that when you need a G chord, you have three primary choices... (and infinite choices if your neck is infinitely long). You can play it open with the G shape. Or you can play it with a six-finger bar chord in the E shape by barring the third fret (or if your neck is long enough, somewhere up higher, too). Finally, you can play it with the A shape by barring the 10th fret. It is interesting to me that you can actually CHOOSE whether to play a six-finger or five-finger version of some chords. Which do you choose? And has anyone made a guitar neck long enough to give me eight or nine different ways of playing a G chord?

Please scream loud if I've written anything really, really dumb or just plain false above. (1-9)

10. Once I understand all that, the next thing I want to make sure I get straight is what makes a chord a 7. Or a "sus". Or the other variations in there that I run into. megrith tried to explain this to me once... how a chord is constructed with a 1, 3, 7 step in the scale, or something like that, and A7 is just the A chord while dropping the 7 in the chord...? I guess I'm really fuzzy about that, still. Need to learn it two or three more times. Not sure which finger to drop for all the variations. I'm sure there's a system for knowing which finger is the 7, etc.

11. I'm assuming that a lot of what I said above is different when dealing with alternative tuning. Or when playing in a different key? (Douglas doesn't actually know what playing in a "different key" even means on a guitar.)

12. If someone made a seven-string guitar, wouldn't that allow them to voice all the chords in yet another way? Since you could combine a 1, 3, 7 in more ways, then? Because you could have two E AND two A strings? That sounds like fun!

13. It seems a shame that a whole finger gets wasted on the bar. It occurs to me that if someone fashioned a snap-release palm bracket that fit over your hand like a brace, they could bar the fret on demand, with the same speed, and still leave all four fingers free. That would (I think) lead to even more chord voicings and possibilities? You could play your chord and still have a finger free to mess around with the other open strings, like you can with open chords. That would be FUN. It could be triggered with a thumb pull.

Alternatively, couldn't we design a guitar with some kind of non-resonating pull-shield that followed the hand? Or maybe non-ferrous strings with a periodic ferrous segment and an electro-magnet that would bar the fret for you upon a trigger, if the action were good enough?

Or how about simple light sensors along the top of the neck that sensed where the thumb was. The guitarist covers the sensor with their thumb if they want to bar that fret. Then you filter the guitar through a computer interface that remodulates all the vibration coming from the pickups AS IF the frets were barred, though they weren't actually. That might be simpler, actually... until your computer crashed in the middle of a concert. ;-)

While laziness is certainly a mild motivation here, and I'm sure Frank would LOVE to build one of these contraptions for me, I can't help thinking that a really skilled guitarist might do some neat, subtle effect with an extra finger in play. Like Tracy Chapman is always doing with her A chord.

-Douglas

Waiting for the Right Moment

2009-07-05T20:27:05Z

This is the best picture I've taken in months.

And it is proof that yes, even though I turned the heat on in my car on July 4th, summer has indeed arrived. Hurrah, etc.!

It might be a self-portrait.

Something Sad

2009-07-03T19:28:59Z

Well, not really sad.

More like gadget sad.

No, that's not my iPhone. In fact, I took that picture with my iPhone.

Here's the astonishing thing: you may notice by the air bubbles that the owner has placed a piece of clear packing tape over the whole front, and cut it to fit, to hold in the shards of glass.

The phone still works. And the touch-screen? Still works. Still works flawlessly, even directly under the cracked glass of the iPhone. You can still play videos on the thing or whatever else... obviously, holding the thing up to your FACE to make a call is a bit disturbing.

Hilarious and awesome.

It's 2009 and we can now carry immensely powerful computers in our pockets... and with that advancement, we can also drop our immensely powerful computers on the bricks outside of work. ;-)

-d

Icons, Iconography

2009-07-02T21:24:36Z

Have you noticed how our iconography for things hasn't kept up with our technology?

I guess that's nothing new, really. But think about it for a few seconds, and then I'll ask your advice.

Here's the most obvious, old-school example: what's the icon for "Save"? What do you click to save your work?

Unless you're a computer-friendly nerd like me, and just hit command-S on your keyboard or are rigged up to auto-save, you probably click a button that looks like this:

Funny, huh? Sure! That's the save button! In fact, that's the save button in most computer programs, no matter what your OS. Apple has been a bit smarter in steering towards a big button that says "Save" on it, but they've got plenty of outdated icons floating around their interface, too. That little blue floppy disk is the save icon for computer games. For friggin' console games. For everything computer-related. And when was the last time you used a floppy disk? (If the answer is "yesterday," then did someone print out this interblags for you?)

For my job, I recently created buttons for a Table of Contents, an Index, Search, and Print.

I was so nonplussed by the icons, I added titles. Fortunately, I believe in the "as few interface tools as humanly possible" school of interface design, so that worked out fine. If you didn't even think about it very much, my four buttons would probably seem totally appropriate. You'd never stop to wonder what the heck the magnifying glass was or why I had a picture of an old-style inkjet printer up in the margin of the help window. The Table of Contents and Index buttons also just seem to "fit," but is that only because I added labels? What is a good icon for a Table of Contents? For an Index? I seriously have no idea.

Today I decided my smaller, topic list would be easier to navigate if I had a couple of special icons instead of the tiny white squares. Specifically, I wanted a way for users to spot my training videos quickly. So I needed to find a good icon that indicated a video.

There was an added challenge: the icon had to be just 16 pixels by 16 pixels! Old skool!

I didn't want to spend more than an hour on this, tops--thirty minutes this morning and a few minutes at the end of the day. I found a few, I created a few by hand, and a few minutes ago I realized that almost all of the metaphors I was using were expired. Just like the floppy disk icon.

What's your favorite "well, that's obviously a movie!" icon? You know, acknowledging that context can make a difference and blah blah blah... what do you think?

Icons, of course, are just something that stands for something. Plenty of words and icons expire but maintain common usage. We still say that we listen to "tracks" when we are talking about MP3s (when was the last time you listened to an actual "track"?), we still save documents into folders (fortunately, many people still use real, cardboard folders).

I kind of wonder what teenagers today think of the "save" button. Maybe they've seen disks before, or maybe they just learn early on what the save button is for. What will the next generation think? And a hundred years from now, if we still use computers and still have to "save" things, will the button still be a floppy disk? Or maybe a fluffy cloud? Or, if the Religious Right wins, a big cross? Click here to be SAVED!

Cerberus

2009-07-02T14:32:57Z

I couldn't resist:

Pick Sunlight

2009-07-01T14:50:59Z

Life is full. I have been too full to write or blog or create inventive stuff. I'm feeling kind of odd and roller-coastery.

At least I'm eating well. Just like this little Gelfling:

I went strawberry picking with my beautiful wife and some pals, including wildelven and sociofemme and twistpeach.

Slide Show Here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beagley/sets/72157620640401800/show/

Douglas is In...

2009-06-26T15:37:00Z

So true.

So true.

I mean, who isn't, really?

Every Now and Then...

2009-06-22T19:28:16Z

Every now and then, the Onion makes me cry. And I didn't even cut into it.

Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles

Science Question

2009-06-21T18:43:47Z

SCIENCE!

I was hanging out with my fellow writers, thinking about dehydration.

If you ONLY had coffee or soda to drink, should you, even though they have diuretic properties, because the end result does hydrate?

Conclusion, after consulting the internet: Yes, it can help. Though obviously water would be smarter.

Then we turned to alcohol, and consulted the internet again. Answer: no. Even the 5% alchohol in weak beer will dehydrate you faster than you get back from the water in the beer. Keep drinking the beer, and you'll dehydrate yourself severely. Go get some water. Alchohol also leaches good stuff from your body, in the process. So, you know, get some Gatorade maybe. And eat a sandwich.

Douglas's Daily Dose of Smirnoff

Then we needed to understand WHY. And I found this quote somewhere: "Alcohol has been known to mitigate the production of the ADH (antidiuretic hormone), which is a hormone that acts on the kidney, favoring water reabsorption in the kidneys during filtration. This occurs because alcohol confuses osmoreceptors in the hypothalamus, which relay osmotic pressure information to the posterior pituitary, the site of ADH release. Alcohol makes the osmoreceptors signal as if there was a too low osmotic pressure in the blood, which triggers an inhibition of ADH. Consequently, one's kidneys are no longer able to reabsorb as much water as they should be absorbing, leading to creation of excessive volumes of urine and subsequently overall dehydration."

Okay.

So, THE QUESTION: If I was stuck on a desert island with BEER and lots of medical equipment with which to inject a corrective hormone or blah blah blah (vasopressin?), could I stay hydrated?

-D

Testing the Camera on the New iPhone 3Gs

2009-06-19T19:27:43Z

Yadda yadda, the new iPhone.

I borrowed one and took some photo shots. Later I tried to take the SAME shots with the original iPhone 3G.

This is really neat for photo geeks and/or iPhone geeks.

The new iPhone camera has spot focus, better white balance, another mega-pixel, and just an overall better lens with better range.

These photos were not tweaked or balanced in any way, other than to scale the new iPhone shots down to the same resolution:

Click Here to Watch Full-Screen Slideshow With Many Comparison Shots

Brothers Roofing

2009-06-13T21:13:57Z

I thought I was swinging by to take pictures of my beautiful wife lugging shingles and being tough and awesome.

Instead, I ended up with a bunch of brotherly-love shots.

Three brothers, roofing together. Chris, Luke, and Josh (not pictured).

Some nice moments here. I particularly liked the startling similarities in their profiles. ALL SWASEYS HAVE THE SAME NOSE, I swear.

More Manly Men Doing Manly Things (and some of Jana, too) Here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beagley/sets/72157619611948605/show/

Germ Warfare, Fear as a Fulcrum

2009-06-12T00:09:06Z

I watched a PBS special on Germ Warfare.

(Brief Summary)
In the 1950s, during the Cold War, fearing germ warfare and deriving no useful data from the horrible experiments done by the Japanese, the United States embarked on a germ warfare program.

We set out to master the process of weaponizing germs, the use of anthrax and other virulent concoctions. Much like or efforts with atomic research, we wanted to “get the bomb” before anyone else could, particularly the Soviets.

Seventh Day Adventists volunteered. They joined the army but were non-violent, so they were eager to volunteer for what they thought were experiments meant to develop a defense against germ warfare. (Read About Operation Whitecoat)

So, in addition to releasing various non-harmful substances around the country in major cities, U.S. Military scientists strapped U.S. Military personnel into chairs-- both in labs and out in deserts-- and experimented with ways of giving them airborne illnesses. They were exposed to Q Fever, yellow fever, Rift Valley fever, Hepatitis A, plague, tularemia, equine encephalitis, and other diseases. Many of them became horribly ill, and the weapon methods were proven viable.

Later, Nixon realized that we already had The Bomb and that use of germ warfare (because it was cheaper) was actually a really lousy idea strategically, especially if other countries developed it. He Nixed the program. Good for him.
(End Summary)

My sister watched the experiments and said, “They would never get that study approved now.” Things have changed, and we don’t do that kind of research on human subjects anymore. There are too many laws and regulations against that sort of thing.

My father replied, “Oh, they would. They wouldn’t tell anyone. The U.S. government could just authorize it and do it.”

I heard them both and replied, “No. They could do it. And they could do it openly, or partly-openly, with full approval. They would just need to scare us all enough. They would just need to make people afraid of the enemy, enough. People would volunteer in droves.”

I don’t think I understood what I was saying until after I said it, but I definitely believe it.

There is no depravity, no matter how horrible, that mankind will not accept enthusiastically if he is properly motivated by fear. As the horrific nature of an act increases, you need only increase the fear until the act becomes acceptable again. That is why travesties happen. That is why we invaded Iraq. That is why we water-boarded people for belonging to the wrong church. That’s why the Nazis happened.

I believe in the power of empathy, I believe that love heals, I believe that love is truth. But I know that humans, when they are afraid, will kill as many innocents as they need to kill. They will torture and rape innocents. You need only make them fearful enough, and then stoke that fear into hate, and then let that hate have agency. If you need another example, force yourself to read about Abu Ghraib again, and look at all the pictures. Some of those photos will haunt me forever.

Fearing germ warfare, the United States advanced the science. We were so frightened that we built the very monsters we were afraid of... and once a monster is built, it always comes back for its master's children.

The only consolation is that fear is a tide, a tool, and a shadow. Humans use fear when they need to get out of a sticky situation and their reason seems insufficient. You will never run faster or find a tree quicker than when facing a roaring bear. The problem with fear becomes immediately apparent, however: most bears can climb trees and run faster than you can. Fear can't run our lives. Our legs are not fast enough. We need to think. We need to reason. Fear will always be part of the human equation, but only one part. That's somewhat reassuring.

In your life, you must do what you can to set down the tool of fear. Own it, own up to it, live it and feel it, and then put the tool down.

Fear is clever, and fear custom-designs its whispering particularly for you. Your fear knows you more deeply than your conscious mind does. Your fear is yours. You created it, and you must master it...

...and mastering our fears is our only hope for peace...

...both internationally and within ourselves.

Microsoft Bing

2009-06-05T16:10:41Z

I was going to blog about Microsoft's ridiculous ad budget for an online search browser.

Yeah: 100 Million Dollars to try and get people to use their search engine.

Do these doofuses have any idea how the internet works? People use online tools that work and make them happy. The advertisements are pretty much POINTLESS. Ads for Internet Services haven't really worked since AOL back in the early 90s. (And one could argue they never really worked back then, either.)

So, yeah, I was going to blog about this. But someone already wrote my entry for me, and mentioned all the different details I was going to mention:

A Really Good Blog Post About Microsoft, Bing, Advertising, And the Old-World Marketing Model vs. How Internet Services Become Succesful

Douglas Writing About Adoration on a Sugar Rush

2009-06-04T21:21:24Z

I fantasize about people adoring me.

Doesn't everyone?

Sure. But I think I do it in really odd ways, sometimes... and I'm having a sugar high right now and feel like writing about it.

Like everyone, I fantasize about attractive people (especially those I know) suddenly finding me irresistible sexually, and dealing with that in various ways... like, they suddenly become lost in my eyes and I smile and accept their advance, but I keep it decent and friendly in a show of incredible gentlemanly strength. Or not.

I'm Sorry, Natalie, I Feel the Same Way, But You'll Have to Ask My Wife's Permission

And it's not just sexually, I also fantasize about handling situations so well that people are then in awe and can't contain how wonderful they think I am.

Sometimes I fantasize about just general appreciation, if I'm not in the mood for awe. You know. A guy's got to daydream about just being liked, once in a while. You can't eat chocolate cupcakes with every meal.

Don't get me wrong: I fantasize about dragon-slaying and catching bullets with my bare hands and exploring other planets and being beaten to death and working on an oil derrick, too. I have a very active and diverse day-dreaming life. But appreciation is certainly a prominent theme.

Just a few minutes ago, I heard that Mr. X was leaving the office to talk with Mr. Y, with whom I've been working a lot lately. And briefly I fantasized about Mr. Y telling Mr. X, in private, how amazing and wonderful I am.

But Mr. Y doesn't even really KNOW how amazing or wonderful I am, so really, it's a ridiculous fantasy, and I can't imagine why his or Mr X's opinion of me might matter so much that I enjoy this fantasy (Enjoy? Because it popped into my head, I jump to the conclusion that I am enjoying the fantasy? I sure fantasize about things I don't enjoy, all the time, seriously, so that's a fallacy. Maybe part of this is connected to ANXIETY over being liked?! Must explore further.), though it may of course be linked to the fact that I certainly seek both of these men's approval and enjoy their company and that they are both bearded men who, with a stretch of the imagination, may remind me of my father.

Hah! There we go! Douglas fantasizes about the approval and adoration of young, sexually attractive women and bearded men! The secret of my psyche is unlocked.

Please Love Me, Man With Beard!

When people ACTUALLY adore me, how do I respond?

Well, I take it much better now than I used to, that's for sure. I used to reject, shy away, or simply lose my thumbs. Or become a slave.

I have learned to smile and nod and accept their approval at face value, as opposed to building some sense of my identity around it, or relying on it, such that a hint of it makes me a slave to more. I am more self-assured lately, and I feel I have a better handle on the tools individuals have for moderating their emotional connections with other human beings. When someone compliments me, I nod and thank them for enjoying what I've done, and I tell them what part of it was important to me, what part I'm still working on, and then I move on.

(When someone criticizes me, I break into tears and moan softly to myself in the corner while pulling my fingernails out, one by one, and pouring Tabasco sauce on the bloody finger stumps.)

Perhaps I am reminded of this whole topic because I just had way too much chocolate mousse cake from Mirabel's (Note to Self: Must add Mirabel's to the list of things to take my family too when they visit next week) and the sugary sweetness, almost too powerful to consume, reminds me of adoration, and perhaps adoration is like that sweetness, almost cloying in its power, a disruption to the normal flow of work and reward and steady trickle of nutrition.

The cake we had at work today was like this one, but better. Seriously.

Yes, approval can be meat and potatoes, but it can also be sugary snacks, seemingly always desirable but often too much for our heady metabolisms to handle. A steady diet of approval would be like a diet of Twinkies coated in marmalade and stuffed with stunned expressions! Or ginger cupcakes smothered in dark chocolate and topped with peanut butter sexual overtures!

And the Tom Cruises of the world are the diabetics.

You Can Tell He Has Had WAAAAY Too Much Sugar, Both Metaphorically and Literally. Someone Needs a Nap.

My metaphor is complete!

This post was written in three minutes and thirty-eight seconds while enjoying YET ANOTHER crazy workplace sugar rush. Finding the perfect picture of Natalie Portman took an additional seven minutes, however.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to swap in another piping joint or we'll all be covered in crude.

Read Obama's Speech in Cairo

2009-06-04T18:28:09Z

I know you heard the sound bites and watched some video, but I urge you to read the whole speech.

It is available in various places online.

Tons of really intense quotables, and an expanded picture of an attitude that may well be our only path forward as a species.

Humanity will only get so many chances.

We have a lot to figure out, and we need to stop screwing around with dead ends.

Are You Douglas?

2009-06-03T12:31:27Z

Dessert Enlightenment Achieved

2009-06-02T17:30:26Z

Someone made ginger-spice-cake cupcakes. And then completely submerged them in a dark-chocolate ganache, which then hardened into a thick, fudge-like chocolate cover, surrounding and sealing the moist, ginger cake. Then they topped them with a fluffy peanut-butter frosting. And Douglas has now eaten two of them. Health is important and all, but I mean COME ON.

Seriously?

2009-05-28T01:10:48Z

I see this every day on my way to and from work:

In front of that back wheel? Three centimeters of clearance. Barely. I swear. Probably less. And maybe four or five centimeters on the front. And the truck bed is EMPTY. Notice that the cab is empty as well.

This is Vermont. We've got frost heaves and potholes and-- and-- I mean, how does he drive into a driveway without losing his bumper? Seriously?!

And why a truck? I mean, if you put a copy of Moby Dick in the back of this thing, you're going to shoot sparks out as you drive down the road. And I'm talking the CLIFF NOTES of the Abridged Moby Dick. Does he haul boxes of toothpicks back and forth from Miami? What is the point of it being a truck?! There is no point!

*SIGHS*

*Feels Old*

Advice, Things I've Learned

2009-05-26T15:49:02Z

Things I've Learned:

1. Be careful when opening boxes with box cutters. It’s really easy to slice up the top layer of your contents. Slice the tape on the sides, nick the top tape on the edge, tear open the box. (Learned: July of 1992, working as a stock boy)

2. How poorly the guy in front of you is driving is actually cosmically connected to your mood. i.e., your anger is about you, not about him. He's just driving the speed limit and was extra-cautious at the stop sign. Good for him. (Re-observed Daily)

3. Almost nobody needs snow tires. (Concluded after 5 winters in Vermont with the same, balding tires)

4. If you tend to break stuff, don’t worry about it. There are far worse personal qualities to have. Solution: just don’t buy expensive stuff. Problem solved. (Lived and re-observed this morning with wife)

5. You don’t need fancy, caustic cleansers for most messes. Water, a sponge with a scrubby side, and a few seconds of effort is really all you need. Add a drop of soap and leave the mess wet for half a minute for anything stronger. (Learned: 1989. And forgotten. And re-learned.)

6. Don’t be so married to your organizational system that you put too many berries in a folder. Change systems midstream and open another basket. No big deal. (Trying hard to learn)

7. Most of the things we bitch and moan about are really just (fun?) to talk about and are barely inconveniences at all, if we could just chill the fuck out. We’d do better to save our venom for the truly difficult stuff. (Constantly re-learning)

8. Don’t tailgate people with bumper-stickers. Give them plenty of distance. They may have an over-confident sense of individual space and often drive accordingly. Dents in their car are another big clue. (Read online, believed instantly based on personal experience)

9. If you’re serious about saving money, never buy beverages of any kind, alcoholic or otherwise. With a few historical exceptions, beverages are the biggest pile of useless that humans buy and sell. Drink water. (Tiny Voice in Head: "But beverages are ENTERTAINMENT!")

10. Most of the problems in my life could have been avoided if I just listened to myself carefully and critically. What did I just say? Why did I say that? What do I really want to express? When we are strong enough to demand answers from ourself, we can overcome a lot of our B.S. (Decided 20 seconds ago, while writing this list.)

Terminator Movie Trip

2009-05-25T01:59:38Z

So, Jana and I went to see the new Terminator movie.

We dressed up like characters from the GOOD Terminator movie.

Enjoy.

"Her delusional architecture is unique... see that she takes her Thorazine."

"Come with me if you want to live."

"We're leaving."

"...men like you built the hydrogen bomb. Men like you thought it up. You think you're so creative.

"I'll be back."

The Truth

2009-05-23T15:37:58Z

Good Times

2009-05-22T20:00:40Z

I Can Work Under These Conditions

2009-05-20T16:03:47Z

Wondering about the phrase's origins, I went Googling for the phrase, "I can't work under these conditions." I was unable to find the origin of the phrase, and the always-amusing urbandictionary.com did not even have an entry!

So, I submitted a definition. They accepted it and approved it. So, with about 24 seconds of work, Douglas will now be published in the Urban Dictionary. This ranks somewhere above editing an entry in Wikipedia and somewhere below getting a reply from someone famous for a comment you left on their blog. It should be showing up in a few days, after they revise or edit it.

Here is the definition I submitted, for the curious or easily amused:

I can't work under these conditions.

Sarcastic phrase used to evoke the image of a high-strung actor or other professional who refuses to continue to work because of some trivial issue. Although the phrase sounds like a serious complaint, its familiarity as a meme or catch-phrase can actually be used to diffuse or lessen the impact of a minor issue that a group of people are unhappy about. Frequently used among theater types or other performers both in and out of the theatrical context.

Example:

Person 1: "Hey, we've got coffee, but only French Roast. We're out of Hazelnut."

Person 2, responding, perhaps throwing up their hands: "I can't work under these conditions!"

All: Laughter.

Things We Should Say

2009-05-20T12:52:40Z

One of my childhood's favorite bands, They Might Be Giants, keeps a list of phrases that they are not allowed to say. Their current drummer started it, and they all got in on it and have now made the list part of their rules while touring together.

I'm all for free speech, but I think their list is a good one, and I may try to adopt it.

TMBG's List of "Things We Are Not Allowed to Say"

too much information

off the hook

that’s what (s)he said

my bad

game changer

crackberry

that’s how we roll

I can’t work under these conditions

playing the (whatever) card

throw under the bus

drinking the kool-aid

phone tag

don’t go there

it’s all good

it is what it is

talk to the hand

think outside the box

off the reservation

oh no you didn’t

I threw up a little in my mouth

one hundred and ten percent

IMHO

no worries

jumped the shark

voted off the island

(anything) on acid

(anything) from hell

(anything) on steroids

literally (unless it’s actually used properly)

I know people who would be completely unable to talk if they banned the above phrases.

I think I do approve of circumstances where we use one of the above phrases to semi-ironically comment on how ridiculous using the phrase is. (That's what she said!) But whatever.

Speaking of whatever, I think I'd probably add "whatever" and "whatevs".

What other phrases need to be verboten? Suggestions?

p.s.
Douglas still thinks, "I can't work under these conditions!" is hella funny.

The Argument

2009-05-19T16:07:23Z

Another peek at the young lovers who performed my four-act, 320-page play, “The Argument.”

The actors were beautiful and amazing.

The story is far too complex, detailed, and utterly riveting to write out in summary. Suffice to say, I won this year’s Pulitzer for Ren-faire sketch, and there was not a dry eye in the audience.

(Probably because dry eyes would be totally gross, don’t you think? I like my vision moist and delicious. Like my brownies.)

UPDATE: Slight miscalculation. My play was 4 PAGES, and about 320 WORDS. But I still totally won the Pulitzer. Or drank too much Sunkist. You know, one or the other.